Grief can be especially confusing for children. As a parent or close adult supporting a grieving child, the goal isn’t to shield them from sadness but to help them process it in a healthy way.
Young children often struggle to understand the permanence of death, while kids and teens of any age learn to cope with grief by watching your example and feeling your openness to guide them through it. Hospice experts and grief therapists recommend the following strategies to help children process the loss of someone close to them.
Providing Clarity and Avoiding Confusion
While it’s tempting to soften the reality of death, using phrases like “Grandpa went to sleep” or “We lost Grandma today” can confuse and frighten children. You don’t need to dive into complex medical details, but providing clear and simple explanations helps them understand, even during the hospice stage.
For instance, if a grandparent has dementia, you could say, “Grandpa is very sick and might say things that don’t make sense,” or “Grandma isn’t able to talk to us, but we can still talk to her.”
Answer Their questions
After informing your child about a loved one’s death, give them space to process the news. Encourage them to ask questions and reassure them that you’re always available to talk. They may not have the words or emotions to express right away, so be patient and give them time. AIf they ask a question you don’t have an answer for, it’s okay to say, “I don’t know.” This helps them understand that it’s normal to sit with some uncertainty and that not all answers are immediate or clear.
Validate Their Feelings & Share Your Own
Avoid minimizing their grief with phrases like “don’t cry.” Communicate that it is ok to express how they are feeling- sadness, anger, confusion.
Instead, let them know it’s completely normal to feel sad when someone is gone. After a death, it’s important to be honest about your feelings. You might say, “Grandma died today. I’m going to miss her very much.” In cases of sudden or unexpected death, it’s difficult to prepare—but you can find comforting language that reflects your beliefs or cherished memories, such as, “I’m thankful they are at peace now,” or “I’m so glad we have those wonderful vacation memories.”
Encourage & Demonstrate Healthy Ways to Express Grief
Understand that children may express grief in different ways, such as anger, fear, anxiety, or withdrawing from others. Be patient and supportive as they process their emotions. Younger children might prefer expressing their feelings through creative activities like drawing, listening to music, or making crafts. Looking through photo albums and talking about your loved one can also help them process the loss.
Reading children’s books about death and grief together can provide comfort and open up meaningful conversations. Remember that grief isn’t always immediate—expect it to surface at different times as they adjust to the loss.
Provide a Sense of Security & Reassurance
After losing someone close, children may feel anxious or fearful about losing a parent or another family member. While you can’t promise that nothing bad will happen, you can reassure them that they will always be cared for and supported. Encourage connections with other trusted adults in their life to help them feel secure and loved.
If you hold religious beliefs about the afterlife, share them with your child to provide comfort and reassurance. If not, you can simply say, “They live on in our hearts and memories,” to help them find peace in remembering their loved one.
Prepare Them for What Comes Next
Deciding whether young children should attend a funeral is a personal choice for each family. Attending can often help with closure, but don’t pressure them if they feel uncomfortable. Explain what will happen during the service—like songs, prayers, and people sharing memories about the loved one. If there will be a casket or graveside ceremony, describe it in simple terms. Let them know that people may be crying but also remembering happy times. Reassure them that you’ll be with them throughout the day or assign a trusted “buddy” to stay by their side.
After a death, daily routines may shift. Explain these changes clearly, such as not having weekly dinners at their grandparents’ house anymore or the removal of medical equipment if hospice care was involved. After a few days or weeks, try to reestablish regular routines as much as possible, as children feel more secure when life follows a familiar pattern.
Honor and Remember Your Loved One Together
Express your grief by finding meaningful ways to remember your loved one. Celebrate special occasions like their birthday by visiting their favorite restaurant or continuing cherished traditions, such as baking their favorite Christmas cookies. You can also plant a tree or flowers in their memory or visit the gravesite together.
Show your children that it’s okay to talk about and remember your loved one after they’ve passed. Sharing stories and memories helps keep their spirit alive and teaches children that it’s healthy to express grief openly.
Reach Out for Support When Necessary
Grief can sometimes feel overwhelming for both you and your children. Don’t hesitate to seek support from therapists, grief counselors, or support groups when it becomes too much to handle. Sanctuary Hospice offers up to 13 months of compassionate bereavement care through chaplains and bereavement coordinators. You don’t need to navigate the complexities of grief alone—let experienced professionals provide the guidance and care your family needs.
Children process grief and death differently depending on their age and developmental stage. Understanding these differences can help you provide age-appropriate support and comfort.